Of Banns, Wine, and Pinups
by sammi1318
Summary: Part of the Team Mac Tir pinup contest. Teagan finds out what happens when you cross the Warden-Commander, the hard way. Pre Loghain/Surana.


The high pitched screams were the first sign that something was amiss at castle Redcliffe. The second one was a dozen or so militia men fleeing in terror.

"Maker save me! Please don't kill me! I meant no harm!" Wait. Loghain could swear he recognized that voice.

"Yeah well, I mean no harm when I plan shove my foot up your ass Teagan!" Ahh, so that is Teagan making all that racket. But who is this person that is threatening to do bodily harm. Before he could go and investigate, a flash of brown and red darted behind him. It was the flustered, shaking Bann. The man held on his armor like at any moment a hole would open up under him and swallow him whole. The man was a wheezy mess, apologizing again and again about some things he apparently drew.

"Your a pragmatic man, I had to bring money into Rainesfere somehow after our crops were destroyed from the taint. You...you understand, right?" Loghain was going to ask what in Maker's name he was talking about when the other person in the argument stomped in. He almost slapped himself for not recognizing the voice earlier, it was Cerain, his Commander. Sweat was dripping from her brow, red hair plastered to her forehead, and murderous intent written on her face. Lighting was arcing from her hands, leaving a trail of scorch marks in the luxurious red carpet.

"Loghain, step aside. The Bann and I have unfinished business to attend to. Right Teagan." Her voice had dropped down to a disturbing calm. He had never seen her this angry, ever. Even when Vaughan off handily mentioned what he did to her mother and she reduced him to a pile of giblets right in the middle of the landsmeet chamber.

Teagan had leaned out to his right."I'm sorry my Lady! Please, oh please don't kill me! It was only two images my Lady, have mercy. I swear I will give you some of the...no all of the profits when Rainesfere gets back on it feet! I promise!" If looks could kill, both of them would have died seven time by now. He raised his hand to stop her, " What is going on? Can someone please explain what in the Maker's name is going on. Why are you trying to kill Bann Teagan?" He'll be damned if she was going to kill him without explaining it first.

She took several deep breaths, obviously trying to calm herself down, and produced two sheets of paper. Both were small in size, roughly from the middle of his wrist to the tips of his fingers. The paper was stained from whatever it had been sitting in, and it was flayed along the edges.

"Flip it over." He shrugged and did as she said. What he saw made him want to kill the Bann too, or at least cripple him so he could never use any writing device ever again. Pinups, hand drawn smut. This wasn't new for him, ever since the rebellion he has stumbled across them. Some were actually looked like him and were well done, like the ones in front of him. Others, not so much. In some, you could swear that the author thought of him being part Qunari or Dwarf. Maric thought it was funny that he had three time more smut drawn and written about him than any other person from the rebellion. He didn't find it funny at all. In fact, he found it disturbing. It was bad enough that they were besmirching his good name, but then he found that the sick freaks were pairing him up with anyone they could think of. Maric, Rowan, Bryce, some random stable boy, themselves! Although...That one time Celia had brought one with her to the bed, saying that she wanted to try something new...

A squeal of terror him pulled him from his musings. Cerain, tired of waiting for his answer was slowly circling him to get to the frightened Bann. Teagan, still thinking that using him as a human shield was the wisest choice, was moving in the opposite direction. He sighed and grabbed both Teagan and Cerain by the collar. He had no desire to play cat and mouse with these two, no did he wish to watch it.

Cerain growled out some legitimate reasons to let her go and Teagan started to hyperventilate.

"Stop! We are civilized people, not the Chasind! Act it! Now, will you both stop this foolish behavior?" Both nodded. "Good, now Teagan" The man flinched " Are you the one who drew these..things?" He floundered a bit and started to stammer out an answer.

"Yes, I did draw it. But I needed the money! I know it looks bad but, I tried to make it as tasteful as possible. I..I didn't know you would see it." Then he looked at Cerain. "If I might ask, my Lady. How did you discover that I drew them? It's not as if I signed my name at the bottom." Cerain snorted, apparently amused by the inquiry." You put B.T.G. At the bottom of the page, you might as well signed it. That and you are the only smut peddler that remembered to draw my back tattoo. Your perfectionist streak did you in."In Loghian's mind, that made some sense. But wait a moment, he didn't know she had any tattoos. And another thing, how would he know of it?

"Let go of me Loghain." Cerain was pawing at his gauntlet, sending low shocks up his arm. Just enough to make his arm hair stand at end and not so kindly remind him that she was displeased with his actions." Will you promise no to kill Teagan?" Before she could come up with a nasty rebuttal, he pulled her in close. " If you kill him, it will result in the Grey Wardens being exiled from Ferelden again. You must remember that he is a very popular amongst the Banns and the King. Almost everyone likes the bastard, and I would like to not be chased out of my own country by an angry mob." her teeth clicked as she snapped her mouth shut. She leered the the other man and finally conceded. " Fine."

He glared at the Bann, as much as he would like to let Cerain have his way with him, he knew that it would end badly for all involved. "If I let you go, will you promise no to run?" He mutely nodded. He let go of both of them. Teagan staggered a bit before composing himself, Cerain straighten her robes and settled on shooting nasty looks at Loghain. He sighed, this was going to be a long day.

-Team-Mac-Tir-

After he had acquired some liquid courage for both Teagan and himself, they found Cerain in the library. He didn't know if he should consider it a blessing or a curse that she had an open bottle of wine next to her. She sipped from an ornate chalice and invited them to join her in front of the fireplace. They settled down and the wine started to flow. Several refills later and Cerain broke the silence. "How did you learn of the tattoo Teagan? Did you spy on me as I bathed?" It wasn't bitter like he expected. Teagan finished what was left in his goblet in one gulp, most likely to stall for time. Loghain had seen the tattoo in question when he inspected the prints. From the angle that she was presented, he only say half of it. It appeared to be a large bird or lizard, possible a dragon. Not that he could possible concentrate on that with what she was drawn doing. It made him warm in all the wrong places for a woman her age.

"Of course not!" Teagan recoiled in disgust. " I had one of my servants tell me. I would never spy on a lady bathing!" Cerain's eyebrow shot up, most likely on how disturbed Teagan sounded. Another round was poured and the uncomfortable silence made its reappearance. This time, he found himself breaking the silence.

"I never knew you had a tattoo, when did you get it?" Cerain leaned back and was going to respond when Teagan interrupted." What do you mean you never knew? I thought you two were...you know..." It was apparent Teagan was at a loss. " That's why I drew you together, I thought you were...Oh I'm so sorry." Cerain started to chuckle, then broke down into hysterical laughter. He wasn't the only one surprised by this sudden mood shift. When she finished, she wiped tears from her eyes.

"You thought Loghain and I were sharing a bed! What gave you that idea?" Teagan squirmed quite a bit before attempting to answer.

"You spared him at the Landsmeet, then disappeared for two weeks. When you arrived at Redcliffe you both appeared to have reached an understanding. Then you kill the Archdemon and disappear for another two weeks. This time reappearing at the palace holding his arm and he is calling you something other than Warden. You turned down the Queens offer to made an Arlessa so you could continue to travel with him. I even heard from Alistair you defied your own superiors and refused to let him be transferred to Orlais. What other conclusion should I have jumped to?" Teagan drained the rest of his goblet and refilled it. He then shrunk down in his seat, attempting and failing to divert the stares. She leaned on her fist snorted in amusement.

"You hear that Loghain, people think were a couple." He rolled his eyes out of irritation. It wasn't that she was ugly or anything of that nature, the prints prove that. Nor was she stupid, she had outsmarted him at the Landsmeet, turning allies to enemies in a blink of an eye. He simply thought he had left all this gossip nonsense behind when he became a Warden. After his wife died, every able bodied noble (and not so noble) woman had swamped him with request for his hand in marriage. Even years after he had made it painfully clear that he wanted nothing to do with them, a handful of love letters would find their way onto his desk mixed in with trade agreements and border disputes. He would yell at his Seneschal for letting them slip in before throwing them out, or burning them depending on his mood.

She cleared her throat." Do you want your question answered or what?"

"If you don't mind?" She took another swig and stretched. It was like watching a cat uncurl itself. Slim, fragile, and deadly. She even did the little 'eep' at the end. He hid his grin behind the goblet, lest she think he was drunk.

"It was in the tower. I was bored and Anders had just gotten off of punishment and wanted to try his hand at it. I offered to be his first customer, although it would have been more appropriate to call me his first victim. He had paid me in lyrium and healing lessons so he could tattoo this half arsed phoenix on my back. It was supposed to be fire orange like the beast of legend, but he screwed up the ink and it turned black after the first time I healed myself. It was a complete failure, I had to have it touched up in Denerim because every time I healed, the damn thing faded."

"Wait...wait a moment. Wouldn't the Templars have stopped you or him from doing this? You told me that they controlled mages with an iron fist. Wouldn't one of them stop you?" She grinned in a way that made him feel warm all over.

"Normally, you would be correct. Templars usually stop us from doing things, usually. Sex, booze, parties, all the fun things in life. But for some unknown reason, tattoos don't fall into prohibited actions. As long as we aren't putting chantry disapproved runes on our skin, they don't care. If I wanted, I could have sprawled out on Greagoir's desk and had the damn thing done there. The worst he could do was kick us out."

"Greagoir?" Teagan had regained enough composure to rejoin their conversation apparently, or drank enough to bluff. She waggled her eyebrows in amusement, and he was convinced that she must be drunk. The posture and actions screamed one to many cups of wine.

"My old Knight-Commander. Taciturn old fellow, had a very dry sense of humor if pushed though. Got angry with me messing with my hair color one time and shaved me bald. He thought it was the funniest thing, he rubbed my head for good luck until my hair grew back. If the rumors were right, had a thing going with the First Enchanter." Before Teagan could add or ask anything else, Loghain clamped his hand on his shoulder.

"I believe we can conclude this conversation tomorrow." Teagan was going to protest when Loghain squeezed hard. Teagan flinched in pain and tried to brush his hand off.

"I believe he is correct, my Lady. It has been a long day, it might be wiser to speak of this at a later date." Cerain groaned in disappointment, saying something about the conversation just becoming interesting but agreed that she need to go to bed. Teagan disappeared the moment Loghain let go of him, leaving him alone with Cerain. She finished what was left in her chalice and held out her hand.

"I'm afraid your going to have to walk me to my room, good ser. I'm a wee bit tipsy." He groaned put took her hand. She wrapped her arm around his and they made their way to her room. She rested her head on his shoulder, eyes closed, trusting him not to walk her into any walls. They reached her room, the same room she rested in before they marched to Denerim.

"We are here." She cracked her eyes open and pushed on the door. She started to walk in, but to his surprise, wouldn't let go of his arm. When he tried to untangle himself from her embrace she pulled harder.

"What are you doing?" She winked suggestively and kissed him on the cheek. His mind froze, no she wouldn't. She wouldn't be doing what he thinks shes doing. He just has a dirty mind, a very dirty mind. She is young enough to be his daughter, she wouldn't want an old man like that!

"What do you think. People already believe we are, why not?" He could think of twelve reason off the top of his head right away. His body said yes, but his mind was screaming no. Damn her and her come hither look!

"No." She was crushed.

"Am I not pretty enough?" Before she could guilt him into saying yes, he stopped her by placing his finger over her mouth.

"Not now. Maybe when we are sober, but not now. I don't want to do anything that we might regret." It was true, he didn't want her to wake the next morning and blast him out of bed. It was bad enough at the landsmeet when she burnt his eyebrows off. She mulled it over before nodding in agreement. She let go of his arm.

"I'm going to hold that to you, Loghain Mac Tir." She wagged her finger at him to further drive the point.

"I will look forward to that." She shooed him away from the door and closed it. He stood in the hall, in front of her door for several moments before stalking off to his room. He had to work off some extra 'energy' if he ever wanted to get to sleep.

-Author note-

Oh Teagan...you silly, silly man.

I hope you liked it as much as I liked writing it.


End file.
